Where are you, my dear friend?

Today was a hard day.  Today was my great-aunties funeral, and I still worked a full day on top of that.  I had a bit of a meltdown at the funeral.  It wasn't really the fact that she was gone, I mean, atleast she isn't suffering anymore, it was more the fact that my grandpa was really tourn about it, and my grandma.  They're two people I really don't want to see sad.  Not to mention, it kind of gave me a reality check about the mortality of them.  You never think about when someone is going to die... why would you?  To me, my gradparents are invisible, or were... but today seeing Bev's granddaughters deliver her eulogy, it hit to close to somewhere I don't want to call home.  I love my grandparent's a lot, both sets, and I don't want these reminders of a human's life, and how it eventually all has to end.  Not everyone lives forever.
This all leaves me sitting here, alone in my room in the dark, listening to music wishing I had someone to talk to.  It's 3am and there really isn't anyone online, not that I would really spill most of my thoughts right now to someone who just happened to be online.  I know I wont be sleeping tonight.
This is where I miss my iPod.  I know, it sounds so silly, it's just a electronic device... but really it's more than that. 
I am a chronic insomniac sometimes.  I have a tendency to over think things; it's tiring.  I tend to do this abundance of thinking usually in the wee hours in the morning.  All this thinking severely inhibits my sleep... to nearly nothing. 
You see, music helps this.  With music (and amazing noise cancelling headphones!) I can drown out my own thoughts.  I can lose myself in the lyrics and the beat, or in pleasent memory that is attached to a particular song.  I can concentrate on something that isn't happening in my head, I can concentrate on someone else... someone else's thoughts.  One could suggest I can just put a CD on in my stereo and call it good... but that wont work.  I wish it would.  I don't know how to explain this... but with headphone, especially the kind I have, it's like the music I am lisiting to, is my thoughts.  The words, the beats and how they all work together take over my brain, they cancel out every ounce of what ever was troubling it and replaces it with a song.  With a stereo, it's just background music, it's there, but I can still hear my thoughts over it... when the music is right in my ears, in my head, in my brain, it's not background music... it's me, it's apart of me.  This is really the reason I am so picky about my music.  I'm not being some pretentious ass, who wants to flaunt indie music genious... it's because the music I chose to listen to, I am letting be apart of me.  Music, for the most part, is there for me than most people are.  Now, this isn't a poor me, poor me thing, I know I have people in my life that care for me and that I could call at anytime and they'd listen to me and be there for me, but just not in the same way.  I could sit there for hours and try to articulte to someone else my thoughts and how I was feeling, but it wouldn't stop the thought, it would just make it grow, even after the conversation stopped.  I do talk to people when I need too, but for a lot of the time, I just don't want to talk about it. 
Basically, I miss my iPod and I miss a thoughtless sleep.  I miss sleep period.  I miss my auntie Bev and I miss some friends I don't talk to nearly enough anymore.
Peace, love and thoughtless nights,
Sam.

PS.
A happier post is coming soon, I swear.